{"id":3568,"date":"2020-09-14T07:34:45","date_gmt":"2020-09-13T21:34:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/irisherself.com\/blog\/?page_id=3568"},"modified":"2020-09-14T08:19:02","modified_gmt":"2020-09-13T22:19:02","slug":"brexit-trade-talks","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/irisherself.com\/blog\/stuff\/brexit-trade-talks\/","title":{"rendered":"Brexit Trade Talks"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

UK: We don\u2019t like our deal<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: Why not?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We only get 95% of what we want<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: It only gives us 95% too. That’s how negotiating goes<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We want a new deal that gives us everything we can think of<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: But you signed a deal<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Don’t care, we hate you<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: Bit rude<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We elected people to go to your meetings specifically to say we hate you<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: And how is Nigel?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Not happy?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: Why not?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: TV has dried up. So we want a new deal, and we want the deal in 3 weeks, or we cancel our existing deal<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: Wait, what?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: You heard. Give us 100% of what we want in 3 weeks, or we break the law and walk away with 0% of what we want<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: Er\u2026 suits us!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Wait, what?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: Perfect. Do it. Walk away. Take Nigel with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: No, hold on, wait: you have to negotiate, so Boris can win<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: Why? Right now you have 95% of perfect, and we have 95% of perfect. If we renegotiate, you get more but we get less<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: That\u2019s right<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: But if we don\u2019t negotiate, we still have our 95%\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Woah, hold on<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: \u2026 and you have nothing<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: But\u2026 Dom didn’t superpredict you’d say that!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: And if we don\u2019t have a deal, we don\u2019t have to put up with you shitting on our lawn<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: The Daily Mail made us do it and then ran away!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: I just found this spine. Is it yours?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Welp!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: So we\u2019ll just sit this one out<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Fine, we\u2019ll go and make a great deal with the US<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

US: Yo suckers<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We are here to get a lovely big trade deal<\/p>\n\n\n\n

US: Sure thing. Obey existing deals, and give us 100% of everything, plus 51% controlling share in the NHS, and you get, let\u2019s see, 60% of what you have now<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Not good enough, we have a Special Relationship<\/p>\n\n\n\n

US: Bye<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: What?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

US: Bye. Talks are over, the Special Relationship is over, your country is over. Bye<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: But we haven\u2019t got a deal, and we told everyone it would be easy!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

US: It is easy: we are 26% of world trade, making deals with EU (20%) and China (17%). We don\u2019t need your 1.8%. No deal: easy<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: But we really need a deal, the EU outsmarted us<\/p>\n\n\n\n

US: We know. Some of us can read. Not Trump, obviously, but the rest of us. Try India<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Hi India, remember us?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

India: Oh fuck, these guys again<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We want a trade deal<\/p>\n\n\n\n

India: And we want to vastly increase the number of Indians who can live in the UK<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We can\u2019t do that. Turns out we\u2019re, like, properly racist<\/p>\n\n\n\n

India: That is brand new information!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: So can we have a deal?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

India: Sure, fine. Join the queue<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Who\u2019s in front of us in the queue?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

India: EU, USA, China, Brazil, Korea, Canada, Australia\u2026 basically everybody. We\u2019re kind of a big deal now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: So you\u2019ll be ready to negotiate in, what: 3 weeks?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

India: Ha ha ha ha ha<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: What did we say?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

India: 3 weeks? Try 3 years. This shit takes ages, bro<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: But we had a timetable of 3 weeks with the EU<\/p>\n\n\n\n

India: And how did that work out?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Erm\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

India: Try Brazil<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Hi Brazil<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brazil: We ArE oN FiRe!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Maybe we can trade you some fire engines?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brazil: We LiKe bEiNg oN FiRe, iT’s OuR tHiNg NoW!!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Shall we try New Zealand?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brazil: I aM So DrUnK!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Yeah, let’s try New Zealand<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Hi, New Zealand<\/p>\n\n\n\n

NZ: Hi, Crazy Uncle<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We’d like to sell you some lamb<\/p>\n\n\n\n

NZ: Sorry, it’s very noisy here, cos we still have a working economy. Did you say you want to sell us some lamb?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Yes<\/p>\n\n\n\n

NZ: Hold the line, gotta tell Australia this, they’ll piss themselves<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Hi Australia, wanna trade stuff?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aus: We wanna offload Rolf Harris and our worst ever PM. What can you give us for them?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We’ve already got them<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aus: That was easy! So what can you trade?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We can send you some racists<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aus: I think we’re sorted. Try Russia<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Hi Russia, we have loads of lovely things we think you’d love to own<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Russia: We already own them<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: You don’t own Boris<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Russia: True. We rent him by the hour. \u00a3160k for a tennis match<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We really need a trade deal<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Russia: We know. We made you need one. Try China<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Can we please have a trade deal?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: And you are…?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We\u2019re Great Britain<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: Great, you say?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Well\u2026 once<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: It\u2019s not ringing any bells. Do you have another name?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: United Kingdom<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: United, you say?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Alright, smart arse<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: So you want a trade deal?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Yes, but first we demand you obey international law<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: What happened to your deal with the EU?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We broke international law<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: Have you been drinking moonshine with Brazil again?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We’re very tired.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: Why did you leave the EU?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We couldn\u2019t deal with foreigners telling us what to do<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: What do you want?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: A deal<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: With who?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Foreigners<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: And why can\u2019t you get one?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Cos we don\u2019t know what to do<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: Were you dropped as a child?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We just want a trade deal worthy of our status<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: You\u2019ve got one<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: No we haven\u2019t<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: Yes you have<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Why won’t anybody take us seriously?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: Would you like to buy a mirror?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Finally, a deal!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: You had a deal worthy of your status, with the EU. You don\u2019t need to renegotiate deals: you need to reassess your status. You\u2019re not a mighty nation, you\u2019re a small, wet, heavily indebted island on the edge of an globally important trade bloc, which you just left, you tit<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: So, what do you suggest?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

China: Aw, mate. You already know\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: Hi there! Here to rejoin?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: Yes, and on the same terms as before<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EU: Oh, I don\u2019t think so. Say goodbye to your rebate, hello to the Euro, and bonjour to the Schengen area. Welcommen!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

UK: We hate you<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

source: https:\/\/threadreaderapp.com\/thread\/1304778986782961669.html <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

UK: We don\u2019t like our deal EU: Why not? UK: We only get 95% of what we want EU: It only gives us 95% too. That’s how negotiating goes UK: We want a new deal that gives us everything we can think of EU: But you signed a deal UK: Don’t care, we hate you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":1439,"menu_order":5,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-3568","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/irisherself.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/3568","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/irisherself.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/irisherself.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irisherself.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irisherself.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3568"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/irisherself.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/3568\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3575,"href":"https:\/\/irisherself.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/3568\/revisions\/3575"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/irisherself.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1439"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/irisherself.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3568"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}