UK: We don’t like our deal
EU: Why not?
UK: We only get 95% of what we want
EU: It only gives us 95% too. That’s how negotiating goes
UK: We want a new deal that gives us everything we can think of
EU: But you signed a deal
UK: Don’t care, we hate you
EU: Bit rude
UK: We elected people to go to your meetings specifically to say we hate you
EU: And how is Nigel?
UK: Not happy?
EU: Why not?
UK: TV has dried up. So we want a new deal, and we want the deal in 3 weeks, or we cancel our existing deal
EU: Wait, what?
UK: You heard. Give us 100% of what we want in 3 weeks, or we break the law and walk away with 0% of what we want
EU: Er… suits us!
UK: Wait, what?
EU: Perfect. Do it. Walk away. Take Nigel with you.
UK: No, hold on, wait: you have to negotiate, so Boris can win
EU: Why? Right now you have 95% of perfect, and we have 95% of perfect. If we renegotiate, you get more but we get less
UK: That’s right
EU: But if we don’t negotiate, we still have our 95%…
UK: Woah, hold on
EU: … and you have nothing
UK: But… Dom didn’t superpredict you’d say that!
EU: And if we don’t have a deal, we don’t have to put up with you shitting on our lawn
UK: The Daily Mail made us do it and then ran away!
EU: I just found this spine. Is it yours?
EU: So we’ll just sit this one out
UK: Fine, we’ll go and make a great deal with the US
US: Yo suckers
UK: We are here to get a lovely big trade deal
US: Sure thing. Obey existing deals, and give us 100% of everything, plus 51% controlling share in the NHS, and you get, let’s see, 60% of what you have now
UK: Not good enough, we have a Special Relationship
US: Bye. Talks are over, the Special Relationship is over, your country is over. Bye
UK: But we haven’t got a deal, and we told everyone it would be easy!
US: It is easy: we are 26% of world trade, making deals with EU (20%) and China (17%). We don’t need your 1.8%. No deal: easy
UK: But we really need a deal, the EU outsmarted us
US: We know. Some of us can read. Not Trump, obviously, but the rest of us. Try India
UK: Hi India, remember us?
India: Oh fuck, these guys again
UK: We want a trade deal
India: And we want to vastly increase the number of Indians who can live in the UK
UK: We can’t do that. Turns out we’re, like, properly racist
India: That is brand new information!!
UK: So can we have a deal?
India: Sure, fine. Join the queue
UK: Who’s in front of us in the queue?
India: EU, USA, China, Brazil, Korea, Canada, Australia… basically everybody. We’re kind of a big deal now.
UK: So you’ll be ready to negotiate in, what: 3 weeks?
India: Ha ha ha ha ha
UK: What did we say?
India: 3 weeks? Try 3 years. This shit takes ages, bro
UK: But we had a timetable of 3 weeks with the EU
India: And how did that work out?
India: Try Brazil
UK: Hi Brazil
Brazil: We ArE oN FiRe!!
UK: Maybe we can trade you some fire engines?
Brazil: We LiKe bEiNg oN FiRe, iT’s OuR tHiNg NoW!!!
UK: Shall we try New Zealand?
Brazil: I aM So DrUnK!!
UK: Yeah, let’s try New Zealand
UK: Hi, New Zealand
NZ: Hi, Crazy Uncle
UK: We’d like to sell you some lamb
NZ: Sorry, it’s very noisy here, cos we still have a working economy. Did you say you want to sell us some lamb?
NZ: Hold the line, gotta tell Australia this, they’ll piss themselves
UK: Hi Australia, wanna trade stuff?
Aus: We wanna offload Rolf Harris and our worst ever PM. What can you give us for them?
UK: We’ve already got them
Aus: That was easy! So what can you trade?
UK: We can send you some racists
Aus: I think we’re sorted. Try Russia
UK: Hi Russia, we have loads of lovely things we think you’d love to own
Russia: We already own them
UK: You don’t own Boris
Russia: True. We rent him by the hour. £160k for a tennis match
UK: We really need a trade deal
Russia: We know. We made you need one. Try China
UK: Can we please have a trade deal?
China: And you are…?
UK: We’re Great Britain
China: Great, you say?
UK: Well… once
China: It’s not ringing any bells. Do you have another name?
UK: United Kingdom
China: United, you say?
UK: Alright, smart arse
China: So you want a trade deal?
UK: Yes, but first we demand you obey international law
China: What happened to your deal with the EU?
UK: We broke international law
China: Have you been drinking moonshine with Brazil again?
UK: We’re very tired.
China: Why did you leave the EU?
UK: We couldn’t deal with foreigners telling us what to do
China: What do you want?
UK: A deal
China: With who?
China: And why can’t you get one?
UK: Cos we don’t know what to do
China: Were you dropped as a child?
UK: We just want a trade deal worthy of our status
China: You’ve got one
UK: No we haven’t
China: Yes you have
UK: Why won’t anybody take us seriously?
China: Would you like to buy a mirror?
UK: Finally, a deal!
China: You had a deal worthy of your status, with the EU. You don’t need to renegotiate deals: you need to reassess your status. You’re not a mighty nation, you’re a small, wet, heavily indebted island on the edge of an globally important trade bloc, which you just left, you tit
UK: So, what do you suggest?
China: Aw, mate. You already know…
EU: Hi there! Here to rejoin?
UK: Yes, and on the same terms as before
EU: Oh, I don’t think so. Say goodbye to your rebate, hello to the Euro, and bonjour to the Schengen area. Welcommen!
UK: We hate you