Brexit Trade Talks

UK: We don’t like our deal

EU: Why not?

UK: We only get 95% of what we want

EU: It only gives us 95% too. That’s how negotiating goes

UK: We want a new deal that gives us everything we can think of

EU: But you signed a deal

UK: Don’t care, we hate you

EU: Bit rude

UK: We elected people to go to your meetings specifically to say we hate you

EU: And how is Nigel?

UK: Not happy?

EU: Why not?

UK: TV has dried up. So we want a new deal, and we want the deal in 3 weeks, or we cancel our existing deal

EU: Wait, what?

UK: You heard. Give us 100% of what we want in 3 weeks, or we break the law and walk away with 0% of what we want

EU: Er… suits us!

UK: Wait, what?

EU: Perfect. Do it. Walk away. Take Nigel with you.

UK: No, hold on, wait: you have to negotiate, so Boris can win

EU: Why? Right now you have 95% of perfect, and we have 95% of perfect. If we renegotiate, you get more but we get less

UK: That’s right

EU: But if we don’t negotiate, we still have our 95%…

UK: Woah, hold on

EU: … and you have nothing

UK: But… Dom didn’t superpredict you’d say that!

EU: And if we don’t have a deal, we don’t have to put up with you shitting on our lawn

UK: The Daily Mail made us do it and then ran away!

EU: I just found this spine. Is it yours?

UK: Welp!

EU: So we’ll just sit this one out

UK: Fine, we’ll go and make a great deal with the US

US: Yo suckers

UK: We are here to get a lovely big trade deal

US: Sure thing. Obey existing deals, and give us 100% of everything, plus 51% controlling share in the NHS, and you get, let’s see, 60% of what you have now

UK: Not good enough, we have a Special Relationship

US: Bye

UK: What?

US: Bye. Talks are over, the Special Relationship is over, your country is over. Bye

UK: But we haven’t got a deal, and we told everyone it would be easy!

US: It is easy: we are 26% of world trade, making deals with EU (20%) and China (17%). We don’t need your 1.8%. No deal: easy

UK: But we really need a deal, the EU outsmarted us

US: We know. Some of us can read. Not Trump, obviously, but the rest of us. Try India

UK: Hi India, remember us?

India: Oh fuck, these guys again

UK: We want a trade deal

India: And we want to vastly increase the number of Indians who can live in the UK

UK: We can’t do that. Turns out we’re, like, properly racist

India: That is brand new information!!

UK: So can we have a deal?

India: Sure, fine. Join the queue

UK: Who’s in front of us in the queue?

India: EU, USA, China, Brazil, Korea, Canada, Australia… basically everybody. We’re kind of a big deal now.

UK: So you’ll be ready to negotiate in, what: 3 weeks?

India: Ha ha ha ha ha

UK: What did we say?

India: 3 weeks? Try 3 years. This shit takes ages, bro

UK: But we had a timetable of 3 weeks with the EU

India: And how did that work out?

UK: Erm…

India: Try Brazil

UK: Hi Brazil

Brazil: We ArE oN FiRe!!

UK: Maybe we can trade you some fire engines?

Brazil: We LiKe bEiNg oN FiRe, iT’s OuR tHiNg NoW!!!

UK: Shall we try New Zealand?

Brazil: I aM So DrUnK!!

UK: Yeah, let’s try New Zealand

UK: Hi, New Zealand

NZ: Hi, Crazy Uncle

UK: We’d like to sell you some lamb

NZ: Sorry, it’s very noisy here, cos we still have a working economy. Did you say you want to sell us some lamb?

UK: Yes

NZ: Hold the line, gotta tell Australia this, they’ll piss themselves

UK: Hi Australia, wanna trade stuff?

Aus: We wanna offload Rolf Harris and our worst ever PM. What can you give us for them?

UK: We’ve already got them

Aus: That was easy! So what can you trade?

UK: We can send you some racists

Aus: I think we’re sorted. Try Russia

UK: Hi Russia, we have loads of lovely things we think you’d love to own

Russia: We already own them

UK: You don’t own Boris

Russia: True. We rent him by the hour. £160k for a tennis match

UK: We really need a trade deal

Russia: We know. We made you need one. Try China

UK: Can we please have a trade deal?

China: And you are…?

UK: We’re Great Britain

China: Great, you say?

UK: Well… once

China: It’s not ringing any bells. Do you have another name?

UK: United Kingdom

China: United, you say?

UK: Alright, smart arse

China: So you want a trade deal?

UK: Yes, but first we demand you obey international law

China: What happened to your deal with the EU?

UK: We broke international law

China: Have you been drinking moonshine with Brazil again?

UK: We’re very tired.

China: Why did you leave the EU?

UK: We couldn’t deal with foreigners telling us what to do

China: What do you want?

UK: A deal

China: With who?

UK: Foreigners

China: And why can’t you get one?

UK: Cos we don’t know what to do

China: Were you dropped as a child?

UK: We just want a trade deal worthy of our status

China: You’ve got one

UK: No we haven’t

China: Yes you have

UK: Why won’t anybody take us seriously?

China: Would you like to buy a mirror?

UK: Finally, a deal!

China: You had a deal worthy of your status, with the EU. You don’t need to renegotiate deals: you need to reassess your status. You’re not a mighty nation, you’re a small, wet, heavily indebted island on the edge of an globally important trade bloc, which you just left, you tit

UK: So, what do you suggest?

China: Aw, mate. You already know…

EU: Hi there! Here to rejoin?

UK: Yes, and on the same terms as before

EU: Oh, I don’t think so. Say goodbye to your rebate, hello to the Euro, and bonjour to the Schengen area. Welcommen!

UK: We hate you