The dynamics between culture, politics and economies – explained in plain cow.
Typology of political and meta-economical culture
Part I
Christian Democrat
You own two cows. Your neighbour got none. You keep one and give the other to the poor neighbour. You regret doing so afterwards.
Socialist
You own two cows. Your neighbour got none. The Government takes one away and gives it to your neighbour. You will be forced to found a Cooperative in order to help the neighbour maintaining his livestock.
Social Democrat
You own two cows. Your neighbour got none. You feel guilty for your successful work. You vote for people in the Government who then put taxes on your cows. That forces you to sell one cow so you can pay the taxes. The people you voted for take the money and give it to your neighbour. You feel great. Humperdinck sings for you.
Free Democrat
You own two cows. Your neighbour got none. So what?
Communist
You own two cows. Your neighbour got none. The Government takes over both cows, and sells the milk to you. You have to queue up for hours to get it. It is sour.
Capitalism
You own two cows. You sell one and buy a bull to bread a herd.
European Bureaucracy
You own two cows. The EU takes both away, kills one, milks the other one, pays you remuneration from the sales of the milk, then pours the milk into the North Sea.
Australian Firm
You own two cows. Your neighbour got none. You feel guilty for successfully breeding the animals whilst surfing. You give one to your neighbour. Your neighbour goes on walkabout, the cow runs away. The Government forces you to breed more cows to give them to the neighbour. You go surfing. The cows feel great. Barnsey sings for you. The cows go on walkabout and start breeding more cows than everywhere else on this planet.
American Firm
You own two cows. You sell one and lease it back. You take your company public. You force both cows to perform 4 times more milk. You are surprised when one falls over dead. You give press release saying you just have managed to save costs of up to 50%. Your shares raise.
French Firm
You own two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go for lunch. Life is beautiful.
Japanese Firm
You own two cows. Through state-of-the-art genetic technology the animals are bread to a 10th of their normal size whilst giving twenty times more milk.
German Firm
You own two cows. Through state-of-the-art genetic technology the animals are being ‘redesigned’, now all blond, sucking liters of beer, giving top quality milk and run at a speed 160m/ph. Unfortunately the cows demand 13 weeks annual leave.
Italian Firm
You own two cows, but you don’t know where they are. While you are looking for them you see a beautiful women. You take a break. Life is beautiful.
Russian Firm
You own two cows. But you count five. You drink even more vodka. You count again and now count 42 cows. Delighted you count again and now it is twelve cows. Dissappointed you give up counting and open the next bottle of vodka. The Mafia passes by and takes -how many it ever where- the cows away.
Swiss Firm
You have 5.000 cows at your disposal, of which none you own. You only take care of them for somebody else. When the cows give milk, you tell no one.
Part II · The post GFC update
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you have Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
(read the German original here) (if you can 😉 )